How to Combat Workplace Negativity
Will and his wife Jada have been bickering all week about finances. Times have been tough, and they can’t seem to see eye to eye about how to cut down on expenses. After yet another heated argument, Will, frustrated, decides to go for a walk. His 13-year-old son, Jaden, decides to join him. After a few minutes of strolling and light banter, Jaden blurts out, “Why are you and mom fighting? Are you angry with her?” Without thinking, Will responds, “Son, your mother just can’t seem to understand our financial situation. She is terrible about saving money. She never listens to me.”
Whoops! Will just threw his wife under the metaphorical bus. Later that day back at home, Jaden asks his mom, Jada, why she doesn’t listen to Dad and why she’s so bad at saving money. Awkward!
This is what we call triangulation: Person A (Will) has a problem with Person B (Jada), so they talk about that problem with Person C (Jaden). It happens in families and in organizations alike, and if these behaviors are common in your workplace, beware.
Basic triangulation looks like this:
Triangulation can be so common in the workplace that we can fail to recognize it. During our 25 years of working with organizations, we’ve seen organizational cultures truly damaged by workplace negativity, and often the leaders in these companies have no idea of the source or even the nature of the problem.
WHY WE TRIANGULATE
There is a reason we evolved to enjoy giving and receiving gossip. Back when we were in small tribes scattered across the Serengeti, we had a better chance of surviving if we knew whom we could trust, who was competent, who was dangerous, who was loyal to whom, and so on. This type of information allowed us to better protect ourselves. (So don’t feel too badly about your appetite for juicy gossip – it’s your ancestors’ fault!)
Other reasons we triangulate? Some of us have no idea how to confront others directly or are afraid of hurting others’ feelings. Or maybe we’ve tried talking to the person and it went really poorly (the person got defensive or angry). So, we “vent” to someone else just to get it off our chest. Or maybe we’re the kind of person who needs to “talk to think,” and we find ourselves talking to someone who really didn’t need or want to be impacted by our negative feelings. Whatever the reason, these behaviors can wreak havoc on an organization by infusing the culture with distrust and cynicism, causing important information to be withheld, creating disenfranchisement among team members, creating paranoia and anxiety that prevents people from doing their best work, harming people’s reputations, and more.
HOW TO DEFEAT WORKPLACE TRIANGULATION
Bottom line, we’ve all engaged in triangulation. Let’s give ourselves grace about that, but at the same time let’s commit to working against this human tendency in order to help create healthy relationships and cultures.
THERE ARE 5 HEALTHIER OPTIONS FOR PERSON A, INSTEAD OF TRIANGULATING WITH PERSON C:
1. GO STRAIGHT TO PERSON B
We know, we know – this sounds crazy, right? Have you tried talking with the person that you have a problem with? Let us be clear: contrary to what we’ve heard some managers tell employees, this is not your only option. But it’s one to at least consider, right? Make sure to check out our podcast episode (#7) on giving effective feedback, though. We need to know how to share our concerns without causing more damage.
2. GET OVER IT/LET IT GO
Here’s a news flash: did you know you don’t have to talk about everything that bugs you? Do we work in perfect workplaces? No. Do we have to like everyone we work with? No. Are decisions made that we don’t agree with? Yes. But if we can learn to let the small things go, we can all learn to work better together. Maybe that looks like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it looks like reminding yourself that work isn’t your only source of happiness. Whatever it is, consider this an option. Can I let this go?
3. GO TO YOUR MANAGER
It is not triangulation if you go to your manager about things that are troubling you. It is part of their job to hear you out. Of course, this doesn’t mean they will always be able to solve the issue for you. Maybe they will encourage you to let it go. Maybe they can coach you on how to give someone feedback. And maybe they will take on the problem and address it in some way. Bottom line: Your manager should be a safe place to bring issues. (And we recognize that, unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. ☹)
4. GO OUTSIDE
No, this doesn’t mean you take your coworkers to the bar to discuss your fellow employees. We are talking about with whom not where. And the whom is someone besides your coworkers. We once had a woman in class exclaim, “This is terrible! You are teaching us to bring our work home. I always leave my work at work!” We were told later by her manager that she was one of the worst triangulators in the office. Oops. We have people in our lives who love and care about us and who can help us process our angst. Just don’t choose co-workers to fill this important role when your angst is about other co-workers!
5. GO TALK TO PERSON C
Wait. What? This entire article has been about not having this type of conversation. Hear us out. There is one narrow option for going to Person C to talk about Person B: it has to be a problem-solving conversation. So, what makes it a problem-solving conversation and not triangulation?
It is clearly about solutions. There is a difference between seeking advice to solve a problem and just plain venting. “What would you do if you were in my situation?” “Can I get some advice from you?” These are problem-solving questions. “I hate it when he does that. Do you hate it, too?” That is not a problem-solving question.
We are talking about behaviors. Meaning, we are not talking about someone’s character, not speculating on a bunch of stuff, not talking about what a jive turkey they are, and so on. (Check out this podcast episode #8 for more on giving feedback about behaviors and not character.)
The conversation is not being repeated over and over again. This one often gets missed. For example, Betty White (Person A) is frustrated with Jackie Chan (Person B), so she goes and talks to Dennis Rodman (Person C) to get his advice on how to handle it. That is a problem-solving conversation. Good, Betty. But then Betty goes back to Dennis eight more times to talk about the issue. “See, Jackie is doing it again!” With this, Betty has slipped back into triangulation because she has gone beyond problem-solving and is now just reporting back and no longer looking for solutions. Big no-no, Betty. It is a one-time, problem-solving conversation, Betty.
The conversation is confidential. You are keeping this private. You need to make this clear to the person you are talking with.
Understanding how to engineer your culture to combat workplace triangulation is a vital component to creating a high-morale culture. In fact, we have found that many trust issues can dissipate when organizations come to understand the healthy options for dealing with this type of workplace negativity.
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The question remains: what do you do if you’re Person C and you keep having all these Person A folks coming to you to triangulate?
HOW TO AVOID THE TRIANGLE
It takes two to tango. It is not just the person sharing the negativity and gossip that’s guilty of unhealthy behavior, it’s also the person who chooses to listen.
Remember, basic triangulation is when Person A has an issue with Person B so they decide to go talk about the issue with a third party, Person C. So, what can you do if you’re Person C and you want to avoid being caught in this triangle of negativity?
First, let’s explore the different kinds of Person Cs. One type of Person C is someone who might say to themselves, “I just don’t get it. Everyone wants to bring their negativity to me. I am like the freaking Dear Abby of this place. I come to work in a good mood and always leave in a bad one because everyone brings their problems to me.” This sucks. We often find these people get stuck in this role because they are unknowingly encouraging this behavior. They nod and smile when people are triangulating because they are trying to be polite or avoid confrontation. To the outside observer, this nodding and smiling is a reward. It tells the other person that this is good, I’m enjoying this, and we should do this again tomorrow. However, what that person is feeling on the inside is often some version of “please shut up.” Their exterior expressions are incongruent with their internal feelings.
We all know a different kind of Person C, too. This kind of person is someone who may really resonate with the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.” These people feed off negativity. They are energized by hearing (and sharing) juicy rumors and negative comments. These people can play a large role in creating an environment of distrust and cynicism.
By choosing to listen and engage with triangulators, you are encouraging the behavior. (And remember, dogs, dolphins and humans tend to repeat behaviors that get rewarded!)
So, what can you do if someone comes up to you and starts badmouthing someone else? Here are some time-tested solutions for nipping it in the bud:
The direct approach. This approach is any version of, “I am not comfortable having this conversation with you.” This approach is firm, but it doesn’t have to be mean. Just be clear that you don’t want to be involved in this type of communication. “Hey, I really don’t think this is our business and I’d rather not talk about this.” Give it a shot.
The redirect. Try this: “Hey, this sounds like something you should talk to your boss about, not to me” or, “I think you should go talk to the person you have a problem with.”
Turn it into a problem-solving conversation. Here you are doing whatever you can to shift the conversation from triangulating to actually seeking solutions. It can be as simple as saying, “Well, let’s talk about what you can do next time this happens.” Best case scenario, you might actually help someone find a solution to their problem! Good! Second best – they might not come back to you with that problem if all they wanted to do was engage in recreational negativity.
Avoid. This one is simple but effective. “Hey, I don’t really have time for this right now. I’m really busy. Got to go.” Freedom!
Say something positive. Say your coworker Bono comes up to you and says, “LeBron sucks at his job. He’s like the worst at what he does.” You reply by saying, “Well, I actually think LeBron does great work at his job.” Just take what was negative and reframe it as something positive. This can be a powerful approach to getting yourself out of the triangle and letting the other person know that you are not interested in speaking ill of LeBron.
You can help your workplace culture make a positive shift by refusing to be on the receiving end of triangulation, but this can be difficult to do if you’ve been the person others have relied on to help carry their negativity. In the long run, making this shift will allow you and your team to experience increased trust and respect in the workplace. And that’s something no one will be complaining about!