“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  - Maya Angelou

Coaches are very much in vogue. These days, you can easily find life coaches, death coaches, and executive coaches. High potential employees are often given coaches. If you have the money, you can hire a college admission coach, or for your more athletically inclined kids, you can hire a performance coach. There are career coaches, health coaches, spiritual coaches, and yes, even dating coaches.

All of us who value growth and development can benefit from a coach who can help us improve our performance or wellbeing in one way or another. But not all coaches are created equal.  Many of us have experienced what it’s like to work with a coach that’s ineffective. Many of us (if not all of us) have also experienced what it’s like to work for a less-than-effective manager. The truth is, being a good coach and being a good manager involves a very similar set of skills. In our modern workforce, being a good manager means you have to be a good coach. As former Google CEO Eric Schmidt and his coauthors write in their book Trillion Dollar Coach:
 

"[The] higher you climb, the more your success depends on making other people successful. By definition, that’s what coaches do…you cannot be a good manager without being a good coach. You need to, according to a 1994 study, go beyond the 'traditional notion of managing that focuses on controlling, supervising, evaluating and rewarding/punishing' to create a climate of communication, respect, feedback, and trust. All through coaching."

Although there can be great value in hiring the coach who’s right for you, the reality is that your coach will see only a fraction of the moments where you could benefit from their support and guidance. It’s up to managers to coach their employees in ways that help them bring their best selves to work. A manager who embraces this role will see an increase in engagement, morale, and performance. Sadly, far too many managers fail to see themselves as coaches, which, according to research, leads to their best performers heading for the exit.

At Nash Consulting we’ve examined and attempted to emulate some of the best practices of great coaches. This isn’t to imply that all effective coaches do the same things. They don’t. There are many effective styles, approaches, traits, and personalities that will make for a great coach – there’s no one-size-fits-all in the world of coaching. Regardless of the varying coaching styles, it’s worth observing the fundamental and necessary qualities that all great coaches share. What are the skills and behaviors practiced by those that consistently help other people succeed?

A great coach listens really, really well. When talking to our Nash Consulting coaches and reviewing the literature, one theme came up repeatedly: to be effective at helping other people succeed, you have to really listen. And not just look like you’re listening – you really need to hear what the other person is saying and how they’re saying it. When you do this well, the other person will feel deeply respected, which will allow them to show up authentically. And when someone feels free to show up authentically, they will give their best effort toward personal growth. Additionally, when you really practice deep listening, you’ll start to hear the things the other person is “saying” that they didn’t actually say, which allows you to understand their needs more deeply. We consider listening a meta-skill for all coaches – it’s required if you’re going to effectively demonstrate all the other best-practice coaching skills.

If you want to learn more about becoming a better listener, check out our short blog post on how to listen so others feel heard.

A great coach is curious and asks great questions. Do you see why you need to be a great listener in order to be good at this one? Being curious about what the other person is saying and asking good follow-up questions will help them process and discover answers on their own. Research has shown that when someone feels that they have generated a solution on their own, that solution is much more sustainable, and isn't that what we want as coaches? Next time you’re coaching an employee, practice approaching the conversation with a child-like curiosity. Try out phrases like why do you think that happened? What do you mean by that? I don’t understand – tell me more. Be genuinely curious and great questions will follow.

A great coach isn’t always trying to fix things, but they also don’t shy away from providing practical advice and insights. You have to strike a balance between not being a “fixer” and actually helping someone when you feel you have something valuable to share. It can be annoying to always, in Socratic fashion, have your questions answered with questions. If you think you have some really useful advice that will help the other person, feel free to share it! But you’re also not setting someone up for success if you’re always jumping in with solutions and advice without allowing people to discover those answers themselves. A great coach doesn’t just solve the surface-level problem. They help you develop a framework for finding solutions to problems. As the old proverb says, “you teach someone to fish…”  

A great coach is authentic. Being authentic means being candid and honest and bringing your true self to the situation.  It doesn’t mean being unedited. It means reflecting their impact back to them. For example, you might tell the person you’re coaching, “Janet, when we talk, I sometimes feel criticized by you.” This kind of authenticity can help the other person discover their impact on others which can lead you both into a helpful discussion about behaviors, root causes, better approaches, and more. And in this sort of give-and-take way, it allows them to show up authentically with you, and that’s when you can get down to the real work that needs to be done.

A great coach provides more encouragement than criticism. A Gallup survey found that 67% of employees whose managers focused on their strengths were fully engaged in their work, compared to only 31% of employees whose managers focused on their weaknesses. Additionally, research in neurological science has shown that when people focus on what they’re doing right, their parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” system) is activated, which stimulates the growth of new neurons (called neurogenesis) and enhances cognitive, emotional, and perceptual openness. Sure, artful criticism can be useful and even necessary (see our podcast (#7) on giving feedback), but if your M.O. is to focus more on people’s weaknesses than on their strengths, you may be doing more to hurt them than to help. Focusing on what someone is doing wrong lights up their “fight or flight” system and causes them to only focus on the information most necessary to survive. This stifles creativity and dulls the growth-mindset. The famous Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry understood this. While rival teams reviewed missed tackles and fumbles, Landry would create a personal highlight reel for each player after each game. He would sit down with the players and point out all the great things they did and ask them what was going through their heads when they made a particular play. After all, there are an infinite amount of ways to do something wrong, so why focus there?

A great coach pushes you out of your comfort zone (and forces you to go beneath the surface). When it’s all said and done, a great coach helps you grow. A great coach knows who they are coaching and finds the right ways to challenge you to be the best version of yourself. A great coach says, “I believe in you, I see what you’re capable of, so that’s why I am going to push you.” And then they support you on this journey of growth with empathy and compassion. It can be uncomfortable, but a great coach knows that discomfort is the path to self-growth. Jerry Colonna, executive coach and author of Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up, likes to ask his clients, “how have you been complicit in creating the conditions you say you don’t want?” This is an uncomfortable question and requires some serious honesty and self-awareness. A great coach holds a nonjudgmental space for others to dig deep.

A great coach looks at the big picture. A great coach knows that successful and healthy human beings need to be healthy in all areas of their lives. A great coach thinks systemically. They know that your work life will affect your personal life and your personal life will affect your work life. They see you as a whole person and recognize the complex web of parts that contribute to who you are as a person.

A great coach provides “unconditional positive regard.” This concept was first described by humanist psychologist Carl Rogers and basically means that we are committed to showing caring and support of the person regardless of their character faults and problematic behaviors. If a coach expects to truly build trust and respect, they have to demonstrate that they have your best interests at heart. They have to show that they actually want the best for you.
 

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Learning to be a great manager in many ways involves becoming a great coach. Of course, we all have opportunities to “coach” people in our lives – our friends, partners, children, colleagues, and sometimes even the person next to you on an airplane that just wishes we would leave them the hell alone. 😊